IELTS Band 7.0 Model Essay6模範解答 有料添削結果の見本つきーWritten by Sayaー

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今日はIELTS-Blogを使って、Band Score を出してもらったエッセーを模範解答としてご紹介いたします。

IELTS Blog については、下記の記事でご紹介しておりますので、ぜひ読んでみてください。

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<課題> 

In many major cities of the world, many large shopping centers have been built near the main stations so that tourists can have easy access to them. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of such buildings.

 

<エッセー>

It is becoming a trend to build large shopping malls near the main stations in order to provide easy access for tourists in many large cities over the world. This essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of this recent phenomenon.

 

It is true that large shopping malls will attract more tourists which is the main benefit of constructing those buildings near to stations. Since tourists tend to spend higher money than residents, inviting more tourists to the cities will be rewarded with economic benefits. Of course, not only they would spend much money at shopping malls but they might also be the prospective customers at small restaurants or souvenir shops run by individual owners near to large shopping centers.

 

In contrast, the main disadvantage to be observed is that constructing shopping malls is costly. This applies not only in terms of the cost of building the malls but also requires the fees to compensate residents who are forced to move out from the current areas. Apparently, constructing shopping malls will reorganize the structure of the cities. Also, the investment costs for them are considerably higher than the benefits for the citizens. It can be another drawback that tourists might be concentrated in certainly accessible shopping malls while other destinations will suffer from a lack of tourists. 

 

In conclusion, the idea of building shopping malls nearby the main stations will benefit cities by increasing the number of tourists who spend a significant amount of money while the main drawback is the high cost of building those shopping malls. I think it is essential for decision-makers to understand both views when considering the planning of large shopping malls.

 

さて、この文章・・・

私の文章では文法エラーがあったので、Band6.5でした。

添削者の添削にしたがって、文法エラーを訂正済ですのでで、Band Score 0.5があがると考えられるので、おそらくBand 7.0でしょう。

 

ちなみに、私の文法エラーがあった状況でのスコアとフィードバックは次の通りでした。

 

Overall Estimated Band Score:6.5


1) Task achievement Coherence:7.0

2) Cohesion:7.0

3) Lexical resource:6.5

4) Grammar and Accuracy:6.0

 

<Suggestions>

1. Revise grammar.

2. Learn more vocabulary and improve the choice of words.

3. Avoid writing more than 280 words. This will help in saving time and reducing mistakes.

4. Always proofread the task response after finishing it.

 

このFeedbackからわかることは私は文法が弱いということです。

言い訳にもなりますが・・・

私は書いてる途中で、これも言いたい!あれも言いたい!!と思って書いてしまうので、文章の出発点と着地点がずれてしまい、文法が崩壊する場合があるんです(笑)

これは、日本語でも同じで、ブログを書いていると、あれ?となることがあります。(笑)

ですから、文法を極めることはもちろん、もう少し言いたいことを明確にした文章構成が必要だということですね・・・。

 

IELTS-Blog での添削、気になった方はぜひ挑戦されてみてくださいね!