IELTS Band 7.0 Model Essay 8模範解答 有料添削結果の見本つきーWritten by Sayaー
はじめに
今日は私がOnline 添削サイト、IELTSanswer.com の添削を使って添削していただいた結果とともに、Task1のBand7.0の模範解答をご紹介いたします。
*IELTSanswer.comが分からない方はこちらをどうぞ。
課題
The table below shows the sales at a small restaurant in a downtown business district. Summarise the information by selecting an reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
|
Mon. |
Tues. |
Wed. |
Thus. |
Fri. |
Sat. |
Sun. |
Lunch |
$2,400 |
$2,450 |
$2,595 |
$2,375 |
$2,500 |
$1,950 |
$1,550 |
Dinner |
$3,623 |
$3,850 |
$3,445 |
$3,800 |
$4,350 |
$2,900 |
$2,450 |
Source: IELTS Mentor Academic IELTS Writing Task1 Sample 11
エッセー
The table describes the number of sales at a restaurant compared by lunchtime and dinner time between October 7th to 13th.
Overall, dinner sales were relatively higher than lunchtime sales throughout the period. However, it showed a similar trend that Saturday and Sunday had lower sales than weekdays.(*このパラグラフ要注意!!あとで、添削結果のコメントを読んでください!)
According to the table, dinner time sales outnumbered by more than $1,000 than the lunchtime sales. The highest profit for lunchtime was on Wednesday with $2,595 while the dinner showed $3,445. Furthermore, the peak for the dinner time was on Friday at $4,350. The gap between the dinner and the lunch on that day was $1,850 and at the biggest gap over the period.
Looking closely at the profit on weekends, they were the lowest part of the sales in a week both for lunch and dinner time. During the lunchtime, Saturday had $1,950 and Sunday was the bottom sales of the week at $1,550. Similarly, there was only $2,900 on Saturday at dinner time and the lowest profit on Sunday at $2,450.
結果
Task Achievement 6.0
ダメだったポイントは次の通りだそうです。
X overall summary
I suggest you put the overall summary at the end of the introduction so that you:
- won't forget it
- form one solid paragraph rather than two smaller ones
[in this case, there is NO concluding paragraph unless you feel you have not written 150 words]
ですから、Overallは別パラグラフで書くのは控え、Introductionに加えましょう。
*でも最近、私はOverall パラグラフをエッセイの最後に書いた方が、まとまりが良いのでは?と思っていますので、最近は今回のModel Essayのようなスタイルの文章は書かなくなりました。でも、エッセーのスタイルは個人の好み次第になります。
Cohesion and Coherence 7.0
これは、なかなかいい点数でした。
減点となったのは、
X good overall structure
It is better t put the summary in the first paragraph.
だそうです。
しつこいくらいに、OverallはIntroductionに書くように!!と言われます。
Vocabulary 7.0
これも、なかなかいい点数でした。
減点対象となったのは、
X appropriate word choices
です。これは、仕方ないことだと思います。
Grammar 6.0
このミスは、全て訂正済みですから、Model EssayにはGrammarのミスはありません。
ですが、元の文章で減点対象となったのは、
X articles (a, an, the)
X conjunctions
だそうです。
article のミスを減点されるとは、もうたまったもんじゃないですよねと文句が言いたくなりますが、これがIELTS。
Overall Band 6.5
(文法ミスは全て訂正しておりますので、Band7.0まで上がるでしょう)
それでは、みなさんもTask 1の練習頑張ってください♪